Wanting, wrestling...

Sometimes mental wrestling can be just as exhausting as physical wrestling. Recently, I have been wrestling with covetousness, wanting, lusting after things I do not have. Well, to be honest, I haven’t exactly been a competitor in this match. I’ve mostly been giving in, allowing want for the unnecessary to consume me and produce ingratitude, discontentment, and even an ounce of envy. The things that I want are not bad. What is ‘bad’ is letting desire for these (good) things take over my thought life and alter my perspective. At times, I muster up the energy to wrestle, giving myself pep talks, reminding myself that I have plenty and should be thankful, should focus on God, etc. But you know what? I want to want (if that makes sense), and it’s easier to relent, to surf the web earnestly for the best deal on an SUV, which we do not need (but could benefit from and could even afford soon -- this is how I justify). When I wrestle, it’s hard work and defeating because I rely too heavily on my own strength. The pep talk I should be giving myself must center on the fact that I cannot defeat sin on my own, it is impossible, however I know the One who has the power and strength to put this to death in my life. Jesus can reorient my heart and mind, help me plan and save for wants in a healthy manner recognizing that all my needs are met, in fact my greatest need (the forgiveness of sin) has been met in Him. And he can cultivate a thankfulness (for namely Himself) which crushes temptations to covet.

I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! ~Romans 7:23-25

All of this makes me wonder if I am wrestling the right thing or person. I’ve recently read and studied that passage in scripture where Jacob wrestles with God -- Genesis 32:22-32. God initiates and engages with Jacob. He does so not to destroy Jacob but to win him over, to reveal Himself, and to point him in the right direction. As we read, we see Jacob's tenacity and unyielding spirit until 'the man'/God touches his hip socket and puts it out of joint. It becomes instantly clear to Jacob that he needs the One who he is wrestling. He clings on, asks for blessing, receives it, worships, and leaves with renewed perspective. I want to get there even if I come out limping. (You can quote me on that). And God desires to wrestle with me -- by myself and as myself. I am still processing the meaning and implications of this passage, however my prayer is that I would not simply wrestle against wanting/covetousness on my own but wrestle with God, accept his love, blessing and teaching, and prevail over sin in his strength.